Remember many months ago, how I said there would be video reviews? You're probably wondering at this point, where the hell are they? Am I being too ambitious wanting to make as absurd a review as possible? No. I have an idea of what I want to do for the reviews. Is it because I don't have the technology to do it? No. I have the equipment to do this. I have the capturing material to make this work. Is it because I don't have enough to review? No. I have plenty of material to review, retro and new. Is it an issue of time? Sort of. I work 8 hours a day, and I'm always exhausted from lifting heavy objects, so I would only have the time to do this on Weekends and can't devote myself to do this all the time. So what is the full reason to why I haven't given you the video reviews?

An event that caused the Shelltoon's View project to come to a screeching halt. It all started because of somebody who does video reviews. No, it's not the Angry Video Game Nerd. I have a lot of respect for James Rolfe's reviews. I know people will say I'm a ripoff of somebody on YouTube, so I prepared for that. Is it NeverChris? No, even though he's doing the kind of review I want to do. Is it the Irate Gamer? No, why would it be him? It's a man who goes by the name of Armake21. With all the encouragement I've received from other people, he's the only one that managed to discourage me. Why? It's because he's considered himself the gold standard on YouTube. His statements have come off as saying he's the best reviewer because all his anger is true, not scripted, and that his entire review is unscripted and that makes him better than everyone else. I had this thought that if I were to be a respected reviewer, that I was going to have to do things his way, unscripted and unleashed. I tried doing an unscripted review of Gran Turismo 4 in the way I wanted to do a review... it was an absolute mess. I didn't have a sheet of notes to reference everything I disliked about it. Needless to say, I scrapped that project and came to the realization "I can't do it."

It wasn't until today that I realized... what the hell is wrong with me? I could do this video reviewing gig if I stop trying to please everyone and just do things my way. I don't have to suck up to anybody. I don't have to be angry and drop F-bombs to make a point. I don't have to be unscripted to be a good reviewer. The only thing I have to do is... give myself a chance. So you know what? Tomorrow night... I'm going to work on that video review of Berzerk for the Atari 2600.

I'll let you guys interpret this one.

When I saw the cover of some video game magazine, it had a picture of Haze's boxart and boldly stated "The reason to own a PS3." I didn't have a PS3 back then, but I did want one just so I could say I had all three consoles. I also remembered that any time somebody claims a game as the reason to own the system, it almost never works, remember Lair and Heavenly Sword? So I recently picked up Haze, despite the negative reviews, asking myself if this game was going to really be good like Armake21 said it was. Is it a good game? OH HO HO HO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Not good, but it's not terrible, I'd say somewhere around average.

( Read the rest of the Review Here )

Do you remember what it was like in the old days of arcade games? You went up to the machine, you put your quarters in, and you were given an experience unlike anything before. Many of these arcade games can be considered classics, but let's take a look at Sega's Space Harrier. Remember when you pumped quarters into this son of a bitch, just to try and beat it? Oh, I can only imagine how much money was spent on it. Space Harrier is a timeless classic, but has no relevancy in today's gaming market. Too bad nobody told Conspiracy Entertainment when they released Counter-Force, a Space Harrier clone with not-so-giant robots.

( Click to Read the Rest of the Review )

If there's honestly a company I can't stand more than EA and Square-Enix combined, it would be none other than Atlus. After they released Disgaea in limited numbers, Atlus believed it could bring over any game from Japan and publish it for US release. Games like Super Robot Wars Original Generation, Phantom Brave, LaPucelle Tactics, Persona, Shin Megami Tensei, and Makai Kingdom. When I heard about Atlus bringing over some TBSRPGs to the Xbox 360, I knew nothing good was going to come out of it, but figured I'd at least give all three games a try which I refer to as the "Atlus Trio of Failure." Operation Darkness was an absolute mess in every aspect, Spectral Force 3 was nothing more than a grindfest with more traps than Guilty Gear XX... and then there's Zoids Assault, the only game that manages to prove that a B-list toyline is not going to make a good game.

( Read the rest of the review here )

So apparently Mega Man 9 scores an 8.6/10 on IGN, and all of /v/ is in a total uproar raging at IGN and trolls alike saying "You just don't understand this game." I understand it completely, it's nothing more than mere fanwank for Mega Man Junkies and people who can't take off the Nostalgia glasses. I grew up with Mega Man and I'm sure I'll enjoy this one... just not as much as I enjoy Mega Man 3.

Windows Vista Home Premium
AMD Athlon(tm) 64 X2 Dual Core Processor 5600+
2.00 GB DDR2 RAM
NVIDIA GeForce 8800 GT

I recently tested out a bunch of demos to further see what this bitch could do. I run everything at 1280x1024 with 4x multisampling, and for a machine that could be labeled budget machine, this runs just about everything nicely. It can't get more than 22 fps on Crysis on the Very High settings, but I don't want a machine that can play Crysis, I want a machine that can play games like Bioshock, Call of Duty 4, Assassin's Creed, DiRT, Race Driver GRID, Mass Effect, and other games.

Get ready everyone. On Wednesday, they're going to fire the Large Hadron Collider which will simulate a big bang. We won't know what the effects will be until 4 years. The Mayan Calendar ends on December 21, 2012 which is supposedly the end of the world. I wonder if the Mayans were right...

Just finished Too Human recently, and I must say that ending left things way open. That's not the problem I have with the story, it's just how the game's storyline presents itself. It starts in the Hall of Heroes, without any knowledge of why you're there until some flashbacks tell you why you're there. Next... I WANT TO KNOW WHO KILLED MY WIFE!!! Suddenly, LOKI! What he adds to the game's storyline is yet to be revealed. Hod was the one that killed your wife. Back to the Aesir, you and Thor enter the World Serpent to find out about Loki's master plan to bring Ragnarok. TO THE GATES OF HELHEIM! You meet up with Hel, who has... *GASP* KEPT YOUR WIFE ALIVE AND IT TURNS OUT HOD DIDN'T KILL HER. You kill the bitch Hel, then Baldur does his wife in. You escape from Helheim, and a feast is prepared for you, but you're pissed. Wait... what happened to Loki? Yeah, Loki was in some snowy part of town with a giant colossus, and the game ends when you see the colossus... CAN YOU SAY TRAIN WRECK?????

I know I'm slowpoking with this...

I don't know what is with people, but I often see people complaining about Speedy Gonzales being banned. I know CN isn't showing Merrie Melodies/Looney Tunes, but that's still no excuse to say he's still banned. Now I know you're going to say "Shelly, you're getting your information off of Wikipedia and therefore it's not true, he's still banned!" If he really IS on the big bad cartoon blacklist so many people speak of... may I ask why he made some cameos past 2002, and has a Funko bobblehead? The only excuse I can come up with for why people cry he's banned is because they don't want to accept the fact that Turner made a mistake putting him on this supposed blacklist in the first place.

TL;DR He's not banned anymore.

So... I picked up Sega Rally Revo for the PC, after having suffered from playing it on the 360 and I wanted to get something for my new PC. When I first play the game, I assume that Up is Accelerate, Down is Brake, Left and Right steer the damn thing... BUT NO, that's not how it works! So I checked the instructions to see what the controls are...

Cursor Left Steer Left
Cursor Right Steer Right
Cursor Up Accelerate
Cursor Down Brake

Those aren't the controls though. Even though below the instructions it states quite clearly

Note: these are the default control settings. You can change the control configuration by selecting "controller" from the "options" menu.

That too is a lie, because when I go to the options menu I get "Audio, Display, Brightness" and that's it. Even when you launch the program and you get that splash screen to set your graphics and audio... it has a controls tab, but it's only useful assuming you have an Xbox 360 controller. Somebody at Sega really fucked up royally. The controls from what I discovered are as follows:

, Steer Left
. Steer Right
a Accelerate
z Brake

DUMMKOPFS!

Greetings and salutations anonymous, /v/irgins, fellow /co/mrades, and all other parties I have forgotten to mention. This is the blog where I rant on video games, and just make some random posts as if I were an Autistic child. Thank god I haven't diagnosed myself with THAT shit. So without further ado, the trainwreck begins now!</div>